In September I celebrated my birthday, my 27th birthday. In the run up to my birthday I spent rather large chunks of the time contemplating where I was at "nearly" 27 and where I thought I would be at 27 - they didn't match up. Although then, as still now I could not articulate where I wanted to be I sure as anything did not see myself where I was/am. Making any sense?
It all started a few months before my birthday when a new girl at my second job thought I was still in college, I look young? Having been finished with my undergrad at University for a few years I saw this as an insult not as the compliment my dh thought I should see it as.
Turning 27 felt monumental, not that I was threatened by the adding of years to my life, but in a sense of feeling my age yet looking back and thinking what do I have to show for it. When I was a child, I was both ambitious in my desires for my future and also quite humble (?) in my desires. First and foremost I wanted to be a mother. I would spend hours playing mummy to my dolls - Mary and Emily, and if I could mother on younger children I would and did. I also thought I could be and do anything, I would be a writer, a teacher, travel the world, explore, tackle life's adventures with valor. My life plan altered slightly when I was 15 and found out I couldn't have children biologically (another post, another day) and while yes motherhood isn't defined by carrying a child in your womb, the news shattered a dream and learning to dream again and express my deepest desire of what I wanted for my life became difficult.
I had always thought I wanted to be a teacher, and so upon graduation from highschool I begun my season at SJSU where I studied Child and Adolescent Development, Prep for Teaching. I soon began to greatly dislike my decision, but for a multitude of reasons (mostly generated from a misguided place) I chose to stick with the major. While finishing my last year or so of Uni I began nannying, and fell in love. So when I finished my degree still unsure of what was next, I was more than happy, I was content to stay nannying and pouring my heart and life into my two charges.
They grew, I grew and was pruned and didn't grow and then grew some more. I met a French Frog and fell in love and married, and started my own family unit (two is a family :)) Life and circumstances changed, and next thing I knew I was turning 27 and didn't know what I wanted for my life. Didn't know what was next, where should I tread, what direction. I was scared, still am for that matter to voice any dream or desire. My greatest desire and dream still feeling as if it was stripped from me 12 years ago. I recently came across this quote of CS Lewis,
"For broken dreams the cure is, 'Dream again, and deeper.'"
I'm not sure how to dream, let alone dream deeper. I think of my mum, she's in her early 50s and 18 months ago she decided she would go (back) to school, so she did. Due to life's circumstances my mum never finished University. She was (and still is for that matter) a very bright student and I know she dreamed of finishing university, of having a degree but both the good, the bad, and the ugly interrupted that plan for many years and she is only just now able to realize her dreams. She dreamt again, and she dreamt deeper. She finishes her AA this December, after 18 months of full loads and will transfer to a four year University, and she dreams to finish her Masters. She is an inspiration.
I think of my older brother. He at one point dreamt to serve in the US Marines, but due to what they think as an adverse reaction to the multitude of vaccinations he received he was paralyzed from the chest down and medically discharged from the military. Miraculously he gained feeling back, learnt to walk again, and now to look at him you would have no idea of what he went through. He went to nursing school and is currently an exceptional nurse, yet he dreams deeper still - he plans to attend anesthesiologist school and become an anesthesiologist. He is an inspiration.
Yet I falter, I've misplaced my valor of my youth, my unrelenting strength and drive. I'm weary often. I don't know how to dream, I don't know how to dream deeper. BUT I want to learn. I want to dream deep and wide, and I want to trust again that my dreams are safe and protected in the arms of the One who holds me close when my it seems as if my dreams come crashing in!Have you had to learn to dream, and dream deeper? Do you feel challenged to do so?
I haven't been blogging much lately, but that doesn't mean I haven't been reading blogs...in fact my blog roll grows weekly...
Here's some faves and why.*A collection of blogs set in Paris, thoughts, photos, opinions, stories of expats living in Paris, France. One of my top faves. First, the site gives me new blogs to follow. Second, and more importantly it's Paris. One day, some day I dream to live in the grand City of Light. I dream to walk the streets, to eat macaroons, to call the Eiffel Tower my neighbor, to practice the non existent French that I know. One day, and until then this blog gives me glimpses into a Parisian life and I often smile and even laugh out loud at many of the posts.*Three photography blogs: two of which are photographers that were my classmates during my high school days. Each capture the love and romance of the couple, and each are very different. I look forward to their posts to see the beauty of the photos -- it is art. I'm not a professional, I'm not even an amateur photographer but I love both their work. I love how each photographer is different, yet they both capture the love, adoration, and passion that flame between the couples photographed. I also enjoy how they intersperse their personal lives in the blog, not only is their work beautiful they are too. Check out Shanni and Ashley.
The third photography blog is set in Paris, and one day (maybe next summer) I want to schedule a shoot for G and I. Love, Romance, Paris? Yes, Please!!*An absolute fave is a combo of amazing photography, emotion, humor, life, parenting, home - it has it all and it's beautiful. Kelle's story is beautiful, her writing touches me, her posts are a breath of fresh air. You have to read her blog, start here.
*I linked to her in my Kindle post, but she bears another link. Bay Area author Kristin Billerbeck. Her posts are thought provoking, amusing, enlightening, and altogether a well worthwhile blog to follow.
*I also look forward to new posts from here. (waiting for permission to link). I'm often awed at her courage in her voice, in what she queries. I enjoy her stories of her children, her journey of what being a Christian means today, and the fun tidbits of life she includes in her blog.
I have many more, but they top my reading most days. What I'm not very good at is using google reader, and following blogs by clicking on the following button but I do follow many and I am usually a lurker :)Have a favorite or two to pass my way? I'm always eager to add my blog roll.
After much debate last week I succumbed to the ebook phenomenon, and purchased a Kindle. Technically my husband purchased me the Kindle, although I did say I was ready for one. He quickly grabbed the chance as he had been listening to me debate the merits of having an ebook reader for quite some time. I LOVE books. I use the word "love" with purpose. I'm one of those people who tries to be conscious of the use of the word "love." I don't love pizza, etc. I try to use the word for what I do love, and I do love books. I find great comfort and rest in a good book. I enjoy immersing myself in a story, and looking up hours after to realize that I'm still here in my life. I like returning to previously read books, as if returning to old friends, turning the familiar pages, remembering where I was when I read it last and sometimes speed reading through certain sections so I can get to the sections that thrill me, fill me, speak to me. So, getting an ebook reader posed a rather large dilemma. I ultimately decided that for travel an ereader, and in this case a Kindle was the way to go. DH and I are travelling to Europe this year for Christmas, and will be gone for just over two weeks. I know I would want to pack at least 5, if not more and the thought of lugging the books around in already pretty full cases wasn't too thrilling of a prospect. Other factors were reading of/seeing some of my fave authors on their blogs speak to getting a kindle and how much they enjoy/look forward to enjoying reading on it and I thought if seasoned, respected authors like it I should take a look. (Colleen Coble shares a video of receiving her Kindle and her thoughts after having had it for a month and Kristin Billerbeck shares here).Bottom line: I have my Kindle, in a blue case with the book light. I need the case, without it reading on the Kindle feels even stranger. I still find that I get glare on the screen when I read. My battery died super fast, but that was my mistake as I left the wifi on. I started using the Kindle Wednesday, and since then I've read two novels on it as well as a poetry book for children. The deal with the hubster was to read at least two books on the device before reaching a decision. It doesn't hold the luster that a book does for me, but I did enjoy the efficiency of a buy and download (although that option is not necessarily a good option for our wallet)! Which reminds me, I'm still not sure how to get to the free books on the Kindle, I do think that could be made easier. It took me a little while to adjust to it not being a touchscreen, but that's because I've had and used an iPhone now for nearly three years and am used to a handheld device being touchscreen :) I'm not 100% sold, and despite having just bought two new books and read them on the Kindle in less than a week I'm eager to buy a physical book, that or save the pennies and crack open a much beloved oldie by goldie!Do you have a Kindle? What do you like about it? What about other ebook devices? The new nook color looks pretty cool, as does of course the iPad but for what I wanted and on the advice of DH I felt that the Kindle met my needs.
